The Three Cs of Successful Therapy

Some people have misperceptions about therapy and treatment. They go for help because they’re in pain but tend to stop as soon as the pain subsides. But pain is a sign of a need for growth, which takes time. There’s no quick fix, no magic wand.

People who benefit from therapy take it seriously and are willing to stay with the process until specific goals are achieved. They work on themselves instead of expecting others to make the change. By staying centered on themselves, they find out their relationships get better.

If you want to have successful therapy, there are several components to keep in mind.

Commitment – Therapy, like any lasting relationship, requires commitment. But before you commit, there’s some due diligence that should take place. If you’re looking for a therapist, it’s best to interview enough people that you feel it’s a good fit. You want to have a sense of trust in the person who will be guiding you. It’s healthy to ask questions about their area of expertise for which you’re seeking help. If you have concerns, address them. A good therapist will want you to feel comfortable and will gladly address any issues you might have.

Find out a suggested timeline for your treatment. This could range from six sessions to indefinite. Get a clear understanding of the boundaries, length of sessions, cancellation policies, etc. Once you have all the information, be prepared to commit for the duration. Remember, the commitment is for you, not the therapist.

Change – A friend of mine (Tom Feltenstein) wrote a book, Change is Good, You Go First. It’s true, change is uncomfortable. It’s against our nature to do things differently. It’s unpleasant to face the mirror inward instead of outward. But as they say, “If nothing changes, nothing changes.” You’re the one in therapy. And while part of therapy is getting relief by talking about what’s upsetting you, you can’t fully reclaim your power without changing yourself.

When the focus is on changing yourself, you can establish goals. Rather than I want my husband, daughter, son, employer, mother, etc. to change, you can approach the matter with the idea that you better handle yourself in unpleasant or even traumatic situations. This doesn’t mean you stick your head in the sand. It means you work through your reactions and how they are rooted in your past.

You learn how to find your voice and express yourself honestly, but with love. For example, instead of stuffing feelings or exploding, you learn to say, “We need to be honest here. I’m really uncomfortable with this. I realize I have a role in this and should have spoken up sooner. I’m not comfortable continuing to __________. This is what I’d like to happen _____________, what do you think?” This type of communication conveys your true feelings, what you’d like to happen, and allows the other person to decide for themselves. If someone doesn’t care what you think or feel and is unwilling to work with you, you then have two choices. You can either consciously decide to accept things as they are or let go. In either case, you remove yourself as a victim.

Consistency – Sometimes you may not feel like keeping your sessions. The crisis is over, and you now have better things to do with your time. Right? Not so. You can get just as much out of therapy when you’re not in crisis as when you are. This doesn’t mean you take a break occasionally, when keeping a session would only be an added stress. We’re talking about patterns, not exceptions.

Some of the best sessions have occurred with patients who didn’t “have anything to talk about.” When I suggested they just talk about anything that comes to mind, they were amazed that by the end of the session, they’d done some great work.

Often, what brings us to therapy isn’t the real issue, only the tip of the iceberg. Underneath those initial feelings lie a lifetime of unresolved conflicts. So, once you’re in therapy, it doesn’t hurt to remain consistent for a while and see what may continue to surface. Over time, your therapist will get to know you, and can help you to see parts of yourself that remain hidden. This isn’t likely to happen with inconsistent sessions.

Therapy is a big commitment, but remember, it’s an investment in yourself. The more you help yourself to heal and grow, the better chance of improving all your relationships. You are the most important person you will ever help.

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