I recently finished a research assignment that explained that successful marriages have the least amounts of stress. It seems that how conflicts are resolved in marriages can predict happiness, success, failure, and disappointment in relationships. J.M. Gottman has stood out in psychology for his work scientifically showing that couples who stay happily married can connect through disagreement productively and without stress[1].
Through his clinical research, Gottman found that when couples have tension, those who approach conflict positively and kindly do not show physiological responses to stressful discussions, whereas couples who use negative approaches to conflict show strong internal responses. Consequently, the former are happier, have better sex lives, and better physical health. Gottman’s findings could predict who would stay married and who would either get divorced or remain in an unsatisfactory marriage.
It’s easy to get defensive, negative, or to point fingers, but that will solve absolutely nothing. But when a couple listens intently without a knee-jerk reaction or behavior and creates space for positive change and growth, the relationship develops deep intimacy and trust.
Conflict is an inevitable part of any shared life, but it doesn’t have to be a threat to your bond. By choosing empathy over defensiveness and understanding over winning, disagreement can actually become a bridge to a stronger, healthier, and more fulfilling relationship.
[1] Gottman, J. M. (1994). What predicts divorce? The relationship between marital processes and marital outcomes. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
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Donna Marks is an educator, licensed psychotherapist, and addictions counselor in Palm Beach, Florida. She has worked with over 6,000 clients. Donna’s struggle with addiction brought her to a worldwide search for healing. She became licensed as a Mental Health Counselor in 1987. In 1989, she earned a Doctorate Degree in Adult Education, then became Certified in Addictions, Gestalt Therapy, Psychoanalysis, Hypnosis, and Sex Therapy. Donna developed an award-winning addiction training program at Palm Beach Community College. She co-owns an outpatient treatment program and serves as a consultant to treatment centers. For 36 years, she has taught A Course in Miracles.
Donna is the author of three books: the multi-award-winning title Exit the Maze: One Addiction, One Cause, One Cure, and Learn, Grow, Forgive: A Path to Spiritual Success, The Healing Moment: Seven Paths to Turn Messes into Miracles of Love, and her latest fiction, Fortis & Sapiente – A Tale of Two Lovers Who Successfully Navigate the Murky Waters of Love. Donna is a public speaker and has shared her methods with millions of listeners on podcasts and radio shows.
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