There’s No Such Thing As “Bad” Feelings

I’ve witnessed many people going to great lengths to suppress feelings at all costs. They’d gotten the notion that feeling sad, mad, or anything that doesn’t resemble “good,” is bad — if it’s uncomfortable get rid of it. But feelings are what makes us human, and we have them for a reason. So instead of fighting our basic nature, we can learn how to embrace all feelings and find them a safe place of rest.

Anger – Hot flashes of emotion are the result of feeling violated in some way. Some violations are real, some are imaginary. There’s a difference between being wronged versus thinking you’re being harmed despite evidence to the contrary. For the latter, fact-checking can prevent jumping to conclusions and give space and time before acting out the anger.

When a boundary is crossed anger is a signal that something is wrong. The surge of passion you feel is fuel for an impending conflict. Most of that energy isn’t needed unless you are being attacked by a wild animal or someone’s life is otherwise in danger.

In a non-life-threatening situation, we can learn how to feel the anger without being managed by it. Taking three deep breaths and counting to ten allows the body’s chemistry to calm down and the mind to think rationally. Then you can clearly express yourself without attack. This allows adult-to-adult communication without being in the role of victim or attacker.

Sadness – Some people feel embarrassed when they cry, often the result of being shamed in childhood or otherwise invalidated. Crying is the healthiest way to release grief and sorrow.
If you hold in your tears, they’ll get backed up and can turn into depression. Tears are the release of the pain which is then replaced with feeling calm. Over time, we can replace all the sorrow with acceptance. But if we hold on to our painful grief or make our sadness wrong, we can’t achieve that goal.

Guilt – Guilt is the feeling that you’ve done something wrong. Some people live in guilt, others don’t have enough. If a bad choice is made, guilt is the nudge that reminds us to correct those errors, and the guilt is resolved.
When a person feels guilty for no reason, it’s best not to act. Instead ask, “Why do I feel guilty when I haven’t done anything wrong?” Or “Am I doing this because it’s the best decision or because I feel compelled to do what someone else wants of me?” It might be uncomfortable to explore this question instead of impulsively trying to eliminate the guilt, but it will be a healthier action in the long run. Once we stop making decisions out of guilt, there’s usually a benefit to everyone involved — though it may not feel that way initially. If we’ve been accommodating everyone’s wishes to avoid guilt, it might take some explanation and time for people to understand that things have changed.

Fear – All negative emotions (jealousy, guilt, hatred, lack, health concerns, etc.) are rooted in fear. Like anger, the concern may be real or imaginary.
During our lifetime, our minds can become conditioned to being afraid when there’s no apparent danger. It’s as though there’s a fear detector in the brain that never stops scanning for problems. But most of those supposed issues aren’t real.
If we can address real concerns instead of avoiding them, we can eliminate most of them with solutions. Instead of avoiding an ongoing issue, it’s addressed. Then we can replace incessant anxiety with peace.

If there’s something over which we have no control, we can learn to “Let go and let God,” or “Let go and let life.” In either case, we are accepting reality without trying to over-manage outcomes.
There’s no such thing as bad feelings. Emotions are simply our compass to guide us in the best directions in life. When we embrace our emotions without acting on them, they will provide a natural guidance system toward resolution and peace. The next time you feel angry, sad, guilty, or fearful, try wrapping your arms around those feelings. A little self-trust in emotional manageability can take you a long way to freedom.

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