Fear & Honesty

Do you ever want to share something with someone but dread the possible outcomes? You worry that it won’t be interpreted correctly, that you’ll hurt someone’s feelings, or that you’ll make them angry or sad. People often say they hold back their true feelings because they anticipate a negative reaction. However, it is possible to be your fearless, authentic self; the key is to come from a place of love.

Indeed, some individuals may resist the expression of your truth. It’s guaranteed that you’ll face attacks or be shut down if they disapprove of what you say. However, mentally healthy people (the kind you want in your life) are not only receptive to the real you, but they also yearn for it. They understand that being honest with one another is the golden bridge to intimacy. Mutual respect emerges from honesty.

When we come from love, honesty includes several components. First, we let go of the need to be right. We express our preferences without demanding compliance. If someone doesn’t know what you want, they can’t accommodate you. However, just because you have communicated your desires doesn’t mean they must comply. You can always compromise or negotiate a mutually agreed-upon outcome if you have separate goals.

Honesty without sensitivity can be unkind. When someone asks for an opinion, providing that feedback with the utmost respect is essential. Making someone feel put down or foolish will always increase distance instead of closeness. For example, “I” statements such as, “I see what you’re saying, and I also feel …., or “I admire your perspective, and at the same time, I see things differently,” or “I feel we disagree on this, but our relationship is far too valuable to worry about something that doesn’t directly affect us,” or “I’d like to talk about something that’s bothering me. When is a good time?”

Finally, being honest about your desires builds mutual trust in a relationship. If either person is doing something they don’t genuinely want to do, they are being untrue to themselves and to the other person. Naturally, we all must sometimes engage in unwanted tasks, and at times, we accommodate another’s wishes out of love. However, authenticity is a must when it comes to non-essentials. Would you want someone to eat something they hate, be physically intimate out of obligation, or lie to avoid a conflict? Or would you prefer to know that when you’re both honest, things feel genuine and real? The former cultivates uncertainty, while the latter fosters trust.

Honesty with others requires self-honesty first. If you embrace your true self, you can learn to communicate that innermost part to others. Once you do so, you’ll see that you can be appreciated and loved more, not less.

When it comes to wanting honesty, I think of Billy Joel’s lyrics in Honesty. “Honesty is hardly ever heard, and mostly what I need from you.” Deep down, we all crave to know the true version of people we care about. When it comes to honesty, if there’s sensitivity, respect, and room for different preferences, there is nothing to fear and everything to love.

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