“If you search for tenderness, it isn’t hard to find… But if you look for truthfulness, you might as well be blind, it always seems to be so hard to give.”
–Billy Joel
I recently read an article about women’s apparel that men dislike. The article was based on a survey asking certain questions the men answered. There was no direct attack on anyone; it was just personal opinions that offered honest feedback about women’s attire.
At the bottom of the article, there were quite a few replies. The mere thought of men answering questions about what they liked and didn’t like evoked a great deal of anger from women readers. Most said they didn’t care whether men liked their clothes and even resented the feedback. These types of responses have made men cautious about honestly expressing their feelings. But even more important, it’s also created a sense of entitlement to unilateral respect — you must accept me the way I am, whether you like it or not.
In loving relationships, people care about what their partner thinks. They care about their agreements, the other person’s feelings, and their likes and dislikes. If you can’t express your honest thoughts and feelings, they will become silent wedges blocking intimacy.
If you don’t care what your partner thinks, you’re conveying that you don’t care about them.
Billy Joel’s lyrics express something that runs deep in many relationships. It’s hard to be honest, but without it, there’s no heartfelt connection. ‘If I say I don’t like your outfit, I’m a bad guy, so I’ll keep it to myself.’ This also means if I reveal myself to you, I’ll be punished. How will this fear build safety and trust — the foundation of intimacy?
Just imagine these two scenarios: 1) You’re going out for the evening. You’re wearing something that your partner doesn’t like. He doesn’t comment on it, but you sense something is off. The evening is awkward. 2) He hugs you and says you’d look great with a potato sack on, but he’d really love to see you in that cream-colored outfit that’s smashing on you.” You appreciate the feedback, and if you have time to change, you do. If not, you say, “So noted, next time.” It’s not hard to see which scenario creates closeness and which one causes a rift.
Naturally, sensitivity is a part of being honest. There’s no reason to be unkind when you offer a suggestion. Saying, “I don’t like that dress,” is entirely different than, “Your navy pantsuit is so flattering on you. I love the way it outlines your figure.” Honesty without tact is foolishness.
You should never give your power away, yet you want to be sure about what keeping your power means. No one is responsible for someone else’s feelings, but if you don’t care, good luck having a lasting, loving relationship. You aren’t losing anything to consider someone else’s opinion, especially if you want closeness. This is different than a people-pleaser who can’t think for herself and would only do everything as directed.
I know I’m touching on a subject that’s not politically correct. Understandably, women are angry for having been oppressed. There were times when they had no voice and weren’t even allowed to vote until 1917. Then, it took many more years until they were allowed equal rights and pay in the workforce. Many women still struggle to balance work and responsibilities at home. We still have situations where power is misused to exploit women (and sometimes the reverse), but it’s rare and can be addressed through the legal system. We’ve witnessed numerous cases where men in powerful positions have lost their careers for misuse of power over women.
The conversation is essential if we want to build love instead of hate. Oh, and for the record, this type of honesty works both ways. It’s just that men are likelier to welcome the truth; as Billy Joel so eloquently expressed, “I don’t want some pretty face to tell me pretty lies. All I want is someone to believe.”
Expression of personal truth is far more loving and impactful than pretty lies. It’s the (not-so-pleasant) glue that binds a relationship built on honesty and growth.
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Donna Marks is an educator, licensed psychotherapist, and addictions counselor in Palm Beach, Florida. She has worked with over 6,000 clients. Donna’s struggle with addiction brought her to a worldwide search for healing. She became licensed as a Mental Health Counselor in 1987. In 1989, she earned a Doctorate Degree in Adult Education, then became Certified in Addictions, Gestalt Therapy, Psychoanalysis, Hypnosis, and Sex Therapy. Donna developed an award-winning addiction training program at Palm Beach Community College. She co-owns an outpatient treatment program and serves as a consultant to treatment centers. For 36 years, she has taught A Course in Miracles.
Donna is the author of three books: the multi-award-winning title Exit the Maze: One Addiction, One Cause, One Cure, and Learn, Grow, Forgive: A Path to Spiritual Success, The Healing Moment: Seven Paths to Turn Messes into Miracles of Love, and her latest fiction, Fortis & Sapiente – A Tale of Two Lovers Who Successfully Navigate the Murky Waters of Love. Donna is a public speaker and has shared her methods with millions of listeners on podcasts and radio shows.
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