Trust – The Heart of Every Relationship

There are all kinds of relationships. From casual, and nonchalant to deeply connected with those closest to us, and everything in between. We may not realize it, but all relationships stabilize around trust. Without a sense that things are as expected, there’s an uneasiness that can’t be mastered by words alone. Some people say without trust you have a dysfunctional relationship. I say without trust, there’s no relationship at all. Merely an illusion.

Some people have never learned to be trustworthy, it’s not their fault. Either they didn’t have role models to follow, or integrity didn’t pay off for them. They learned early on that their world wasn’t safe. They learned to hide under any cloak of disguise that would save them from hurt. By withholding, modifying, or denying the truth, they could save themselves from someone’s wrath. They didn’t realize that carrying such habits into adulthood would cause other people the same pain they’d so rigorously avoided early on. 

Fear is the root of what causes people to be untrustworthy. They gain a momentary reprieve from a stressful situation by lying, cheating, or otherwise denying reality. But they pay a price. Whether they admit it or not, no one is ever really fooled – especially themselves. 

The last four letters of the word trust are rust. Rust is an ever-expanding corrosive that eats away at its host. But with the right treatment, before too much corrosion, it is easily dissolved. Mistrust eats away at any relationship. But if there isn’t too much corrosion, with the right corrections, trust can be renewed, and the relationship can be salvaged.

Three Elements of Trust

Being Your Word – Means doing what you say you will do when you say you will do it. It means that if something changes, you will be forthcoming and explain why. It means keeping agreements. Whether it’s paying your bills on time, showing up when agreed upon, or keeping more personal commitments like, fidelity and honesty, are all examples of establishing trust. 

Words have meaning. If one’s words have no meaning, they are conveying that the relationship has no meaning to them either – whether you realize it or not. Being your word means your actions back up those words no matter what.

Speaking the Truth – A recent survey shows that even though most people are generally honest, they also lie about four times per day. I didn’t believe this at first, so I started listening to myself and found it to be more true than false. Distorting facts or wanting to avoid something caused me to be less than honest. For example, while visiting my mom in assisted living, I told her I couldn’t stay long because I had to get to my office. It was true I had to get to my office, but I could have stayed longer. I love seeing her every day, but sometimes there’s so much to do, I feel anxious sitting with her when I could be getting things done. My priorities get screwed up. My mom is 92, ailing, and nothing is more important than these last few times we can share.

Sometimes, speaking the truth can be challenging. We don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, or we want to protect our own self-interests. There is never a good reason to lie. There might be times when the truth would harm someone else and, in those cases, you still tell the truth without implicating the other. 

People need to know that we tell each other the truth. No matter how uncomfortable, without it, there’s no foundation of trust, no order, only chaos.

Admitting When Your Wrong – This is one of the most uncomfortable and most courageous acts for any human being. We all make mistakes, and it’s okay. But there’s been so much judgment and stigma attached to wrong choices that people are often shamed into dishonesty. The only problem with shame, it keeps a person trapped in the maze of deceit.

God gave us a pass when he said with the right correction, all things are forgivable. When we don’t admit our wrongs, we can’t forgive ourselves or be forgiven. It isn’t easy to admit a lie or other violation of trust. I hate admitting when I’m wrong. There’s a part of me that fights it tooth and nail. But like any medicine, no matter how bad it tastes, it’s the only potion for the dis-ease. It’s like getting out of a slime bag and feeling clean again. 

When you have hurt someone, when you admit it and are truly sorry, you allow a place for healing and a deeper level of intimacy. When you withhold acknowledgment and the amends of wrongdoing, you withhold the opportunity to heal a wound that continues to fester.

Regardless of mistakes, when they are admitted and corrected, trust can be rebuilt. It might take some time but with consistent honesty and transparency, trust will replace rust.

Trust is the heart of all relationships. Without the heart, a relationship is like a ship without a rudder that aimlessly wanders around a vast ocean without a safe port. If your heart is as important as mine, and mine as valuable as yours, we will build a connection on trust. If not broken, eventually those two hearts become one – a port of safety, solace, and fearless love.

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