Three Reasons Why Pain and Growth Are the Same

When I first heard that pain was inevitable, but suffering was optional, it gave me pause. Having suffered at various times in my life, I reflected on whether this was true. It made me think about the difference between pain and suffering. I realized pain is short-term, and suffering is long-term. I wondered how and why any of us would prolong our pain.

Pain is the touchstone of growth. If we don’t embrace the pain and listen to what it’s trying to tell us, we remain stuck and suffer. Change is difficult, but it’s far better than prolonging the inevitable.

Won’t Let Go – Sometimes, no matter how bad the pain is, we don’t want to let go of someone or something. We focus only on the benefits, and none of the pain that a particular situation is causing us. Take any bad relationship with substances, food, a person, or any other unhealthy activity. We keep doing it no matter how bad it makes us feel. Things that harm us are not our friends. Once this is resolved, letting go is easy.

When we can’t let go of something we suffer. We hold tight rather than going through the short-term pain of letting go – for good – and then getting over it. As I think back on anything I held onto, it was simply fear of suffering that wouldn’t allow me to let go. Feeling powerless, hopeless, and underestimating my ability to transform into a healthier person, kept me stuck.

Some of us are fortunate enough to be fed up with things that are bad for us without having to suffer. But deciding to let go is only part of the formula for freedom from bondage. There’s no doubt, it’s scary to let go of someone or something you think you love. But love is not damaging or hurtful. It doesn’t tell us it’s good for us and then betrays us by taking away our health and peace of mind. Love is empowering.

Letting go of a person doesn’t mean an ending. Sometimes it just means you love yourself more than the pain that relationship is causing. When we set people free, they are clearer to think. Sometimes this leads to their own growth and the possibility of reunification.

Refusal to Grow – I used to quit smoking all the time. Stopping was the easy part. Staying stopped seemed impossible. The same was true of all my addictions, especially relationships. Once I was willing to grow, success was possible.

Growth begins with self-honesty. For example, I’d tell myself all kinds of lies about why a relationship wasn’t working and it all had to do with the other person. Or the reverse, thinking I could help someone else to grow who didn’t want to change. Once I began to place the focus back on myself, things got better. I was the one who needed to grow. I was able to look at my role in a situation. I was able to see where I’d been too hard on others and not hard enough on myself. I was able to change my negative attitude to a positive one. I was able to become more independent – get an education, therapy, recovery meetings, a connection with a higher power, and keep stretching.

12-Step meetings are so effective because they teach you to grow. The faster we change, the shorter the pain duration and the lack of suffering.

Won’t Engage in Counter Behaviors – People who are serious about making a change get the support they need. They’ve learned they can’t do it alone.

If we have given our heart and soul over to something or someone, we can’t expect to feel comfortable without that person, place, or thing. Letting go might be painful at first because now we feel the hole inside that was artificially filled. That’s why it’s critical to have a plan in place. If you continue the same failed plan every time, you can only expect to stay in the same miserable place.

Again, we must look at how we’ve treated ourselves lovelessly and where we can go to get the support we need. If you’ve tried the “I can do this alone,” plan and it hasn’t worked, it’s never going to. You will need support – a team to help you get across the finish line. You will also need people to fill your time with healthy, loving activities to replace toxic relationships. Taking up a new hobby or interest, doing something on your bucket list, or (once again) those recovery meetings are an excellent solution to dealing with loss.

Over time, it’s natural to get set in our ways. But if you want to heal without suffering, you must get up and move toward love. And love is a collaborative effort.

Pain and growth are the same because pain is what motivates us to grow. Otherwise, we suffer. Pain is the signal that we’re stuck, and making a change is good.

Most important, it’s a call for love. There is no amount of pain that authentic love won’t instantly replace. You are worth being loved.

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