Three Benefits of Turning Power and Control Inward

I used to think that if external events were different, I’d be happier. What a fallacy! Such thinking is a never-ending trap of self-deceit. No matter how much I don’t like someone or something, happiness is not the result of external changes. Otherwise, we’d all be satisfied once we got what we wanted, but we know that’s not true.

I might think I’d be happier if the weather were better, or a loved one acted differently, or my economic circumstances improved. But the moment one situation is better, my mind finds fault in something new. Like an invisible scanner constantly searching for flaws, there’s a part of the mind that relentlessly searches for the next wrong thing. It reminds me of that game at the fair where every time I shot a rubber duck floating by, another one popped up.

Happiness comes from acceptance, but acceptance doesn’t mean tolerating the unacceptable. Happiness comes from the growth that the unacceptable provides.

#1 Facing Disturbance – When something bothers us, we tend to suppress those feelings as long as possible. It’s uncomfortable to face conflict, we just want it to magically disappear. We don’t mind finding fault, but at the same time, we want to avoid the disturbing feelings associated with the problem. We remain stuck in the conflict.

The negative thoughts about a situation keep us imprisoned behind of wall of despair. Like storm clouds slowing brewing, our dark thoughts cover the light and rain down on any joy. Eventually, we have a hurricane of emotions. But once we’re onto the game our mind plays, we can regain control. By facing the disturbance, we now can rid ourselves of a clouded mind and find a solution, the first step to reclaiming power and control.

It’s only natural to avoid discomforting situations. I do it all the time. Recently, I avoided talking to a loved one about something that was bothering me. But once I faced it, I was able to maturely address the conflict instead of allowing it to affect my serenity and peace of mind.

#2 Tracing the Origins – Most of what upsets us has little to do with the here and now. It’s an accumulation of prior unpleasant experiences, usually rooted in childhood. When someone disturbs you, try to get into the taproot of your current experience. Is there a pattern in your life? Does this same type of situation repeatedly reoccur? If so, what is the connection between these similar events?

Once we get to the root of our experiences, we can replace reactions with positive actions. We can allow ourselves to release any residual pain of the past and then remember that the issue at hand has nothing to do with the past, only now. This shrinks the matter at hand from a mountain to a sizeable portion. It’s far easier to deal with a minor matter than a lifetime of unrelated emotions.

In my aforementioned conflict, I was avoiding a discussion because my mind told me I knew how it would turn out. I was flooded with similar past conflicts in my life, and I predicted that a conversation would only lead to the same blame game as before. There would be no resolution, only new garbage atop old garbage. But once I sat with the old and separated it from the new, I was able to see things more logically and rationally and stay focused on the current situation.

#3 Use the Situation to Grow – Every misfortunate event is an opportunity to either grow or suffer. When something upsets us, there is tremendous power in asking, “How can I grow from this? What can I learn? How can I be a better person?”

Instead of pointing the finger outward, we turn our energy inward. People will always hurt and disappoint us, and we might need to let go of certain toxic or unhealthy relationships. But we should always be there for ourselves and to embrace growth. We then reclaim power and control of our inner world, no longer at the mercy of the outer world for our emotional well-being.

For several weeks, I was in a crazy-making situation with a utility company. It started with them putting my account in someone else’s name. I was receiving confidential documents that belonged to another person, among other serious issues related to this error. Despite hours of conversations, the problem remained uncorrected – for whatever reasons, they couldn’t correct the name on the account. Accepting defeat, I finally canceled the service and returned the equipment, but then continued to get billed. After numerous calls (ranging from 30-40 minutes each), and visits to an office, the results were zero. By now, I was ballistic. I knew I was in an old wound and pattern from childhood – feeling that people who are supposed to take care of me were incompetent. It’s something I perpetuated time and time again when dealing with corporations or bureaucratic entities. But now, once I faced the disturbance, and traced it to its origins, I took control of my unruly mind and regained my power. On my last 46-minute call, while on hold amidst the storm clouds building, I closed my eyes and asked, “How can I grow from this?” The answer was simple. “Be kind and loving instead of angry and threatening.” I smiled to myself. It couldn’t have been more obvious that I was being presented with an opportunity to change my own behavior. Peace soared through me. Instantaneously, a supervisor came on the phone and told me the matter was resolved and the bill would be credited. He apologized for all the inconvenience. I thanked him for his help. I realized the problem wasn’t the company, it was me all along. Even though they couldn’t uphold their part of the agreement by putting the equipment in my name, and we needed to part ways, I was the one who kept the ball rolling. If I’d addressed the matter with love instead of fear and anger, I would have saved myself hours of grief and embarrassment and peacefully resolved the matter much sooner.

We can attempt to exercise power and control over anyone or anything, anytime. But is that the best use of our lives? Wouldn’t it be wiser to use those challenges as an opportunity to grow? Aren’t we better off exerting our power toward controlling ourselves instead of others? I guess the big question is this: Do I want to be miserable, or do I want to feel at peace? One way is to try to force others to give me what I want, the other is to accept reality and create movement within myself even if it means kindly moving on.

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