I’ve been to a lot of funerals lately. Now called The Celebration of Life, these events encourage loved ones to share their favorite memories of the deceased. The last one I attended was particularly touching. All the children described their father with unbridled admiration, love, and respect. As each memory they shared tugged at my heartstrings, the same thought from previous funerals ran through my mind: why do we wait for someone to die to express our deepest feelings for that person?
When my youngest child’s father was diagnosed with terminal cancer, he moved in with us even though we were divorced. Since he had no local family nearby, it was best for everyone. In his final days, dozens of people came over to offer love and support. Then his family members also arrived and participated. They were able to tell him how they felt about him before he was gone and gave everyone a sense of closure.
We don’t know when our last conversations will happen, but it can bring great peace to express our thoughts and feelings before it’s too late. Sometimes, death comes suddenly, and there’s no time to share our feelings. Someone I loved dearly died before I could properly say goodbye. I was told she had terminal cancer, but it was too late to see her and tell her how I felt about her. I often replay in my mind how much she meant to me, how she helped me, and my admiration for her. I so wish I could have told her those thoughts.
Why wait until a funeral to express what you loved about someone? Why not tell them while they are still alive?
We all have regrets, and most people carry them to their graves. But how much do those mistakes matter in our final moments? Isn’t it more meaningful to leave with a heart full of love and forgiveness?
Recognizing the good times, humor, and most impressive qualities of that person’s life can turn sorrow into joy and peace.
Memories are the most sacred of all we leave behind. When our final memories include tears of joy, laughter at life’s absurdities, and recognition of all the good, we honor our relationship with the love it deserves. This brings peace to both the person leaving and those who stay behind. And when we’ve reached our final moments with someone, the merging of our hearts is all that truly matters.
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Donna Marks is an educator, licensed psychotherapist, and addictions counselor in Palm Beach, Florida. She has worked with over 6,000 clients. Donna’s struggle with addiction brought her to a worldwide search for healing. She became licensed as a Mental Health Counselor in 1987. In 1989, she earned a Doctorate Degree in Adult Education, then became Certified in Addictions, Gestalt Therapy, Psychoanalysis, Hypnosis, and Sex Therapy. Donna developed an award-winning addiction training program at Palm Beach Community College. She co-owns an outpatient treatment program and serves as a consultant to treatment centers. For 36 years, she has taught A Course in Miracles.
Donna is the author of three books: the multi-award-winning title Exit the Maze: One Addiction, One Cause, One Cure, and Learn, Grow, Forgive: A Path to Spiritual Success, The Healing Moment: Seven Paths to Turn Messes into Miracles of Love, and her latest fiction, Fortis & Sapiente – A Tale of Two Lovers Who Successfully Navigate the Murky Waters of Love. Donna is a public speaker and has shared her methods with millions of listeners on podcasts and radio shows.
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