Forgiveness is a gift from the heart. Some people don’t want to forgive, choosing to build a wall of superficial protection to avoid getting hurt. However, distance doesn’t shield someone from pain; it only extends it.
When people forgive one another, they accomplish three things.
First, they improve their relationship with themselves. Holding onto grievances might seem protective, but it’s like wearing a coat on a hot, sunny day to avoid sunburn. You can forgive someone and remain detached. Some people aren’t good for us, and we need to keep our distance. However, it is possible to detach with love and to be grateful for the good times (if any) that were shared. Instead of dwelling on what someone did wrong. Instead, we can extract the lessons learned from the relationship while letting go with a kind and loving mindset.
The second benefit is the opportunity to strengthen relationships. Everyone makes mistakes, and when those mistakes are lovingly addressed, people can grow both individually and together. In caring relationships, people want to improve, and when they share their true feelings and thoughts about tough experiences, they can connect better. They can develop personally and as a team. Of course, both individuals must be willing to grow for this to work.
Thirdly, when we don’t forgive, we also hold ourselves hostage. One reason is that deep down, we might blame ourselves. Thoughts like, “this shouldn’t have happened,” “I should have been smarter,” or “I should have been less trusting” haunt us and keep us in the victim role. When we forgive, we release ourselves from the burden of blaming anyone, and we can return to the freedom of simply being human. We can also learn and grow from mistakes when we aren’t unreasonably hard on ourselves and others.
Forgiveness clears away the dark clouds and brings in the sunlight. Only then do we gain the insight to make the best choices, which sometimes lead us down a different path. Not all relationships are meant to last forever. Most importantly, forgiveness lets us be human and grants us the gift of grace. Surely, the universe will handle the rest.
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Donna Marks is an educator, licensed psychotherapist, and addictions counselor in Palm Beach, Florida. She has worked with over 6,000 clients. Donna’s struggle with addiction brought her to a worldwide search for healing. She became licensed as a Mental Health Counselor in 1987. In 1989, she earned a Doctorate Degree in Adult Education, then became Certified in Addictions, Gestalt Therapy, Psychoanalysis, Hypnosis, and Sex Therapy. Donna developed an award-winning addiction training program at Palm Beach Community College. She co-owns an outpatient treatment program and serves as a consultant to treatment centers. For 36 years, she has taught A Course in Miracles.
Donna is the author of three books: the multi-award-winning title Exit the Maze: One Addiction, One Cause, One Cure, and Learn, Grow, Forgive: A Path to Spiritual Success, The Healing Moment: Seven Paths to Turn Messes into Miracles of Love, and her latest fiction, Fortis & Sapiente – A Tale of Two Lovers Who Successfully Navigate the Murky Waters of Love. Donna is a public speaker and has shared her methods with millions of listeners on podcasts and radio shows.
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