Four Differences Between Love And Addiction

It’s surprising how difficult it’s become for many lovers to connect in lasting intimacy. Dating seems to be a thing of the past, and dating apps almost guarantee instant gratification. When physical attraction and hooking up take precedence over getting to know someone, you run the risk of an addiction rather than true love. There are clear differences.

A Strong Foundation

Love at first sight, might be exciting, but like a firecracker, it’s soon to fizzle out. Secure attachments do not happen instantly but over time. Getting to know each other and building positive memories creates safety and trust – a necessity to endure stress and uncertainty.

Tall, blonde Betty met buff, brown-haired John on a dating app. Their magnetic attraction was undeniable, and after a brief meeting, they bypassed coffee or lunch and went directly to the bedroom. But after a few weeks, the fighting began. John would ignore Betty, but he’d reappear for wild sex after a few days. They’d be okay for a while, but soon, the cycle continued.

Breaking Up Rather than Breaking Through

Addictive relationships are always teetering on the edge of a cliff. Since problem-solving skills aren’t a part of the arrangement, breaking up is the go-to solution. Both suffer frustration until the relationship explodes. Then, rather than either person making the internal change necessary to break through, they break up. Like any addiction, the mind conjures up euphoric recall, and they reunite in imaginary bliss. The pattern continues until one person wakes up and decides to end the insanity – the beginning of self-love.

John and Betty continued the break-up, make-up pattern for years. When John abandons her and gets back on the dating app, Betty also acts out her pain with other men. Once the tables were turned, John would lure her back, buy her presents, and promise a committed future, and Betty would succumb to his seductions. But no one changed, so the cycle only continued.

Growing Together

In an addictive relationship, if one person decides to grow, the other often sabotages that progress. People in these relationships unconsciously relive what they lacked in childhood or what they witnessed in their parents’ relationships. There is a deep desire to rectify the past; however, love becomes dysfunctional. Genuine love requires conscious effort. If either person recognizes what’s happening, they can use their past to heal their present. For example, “I realize I’m triggered when you block my calls and won’t speak to me. My mother/father would shut down on me, and I felt like I didn’t exist.” By being vulnerable and sharing each other’s triggers, they could move past the barriers they repeatedly encounter.

After six years of mostly misery, Betty focused on changing herself. Through therapy, new friends, and interests, she stopped trying to get false love from John and learned to love herself. It wasn’t easy, but instead of longing for the fantasized Adonis, she’d do something good for herself instead. Finally, after several relapses, she told John she was grateful for the growth opportunities, but they both deserved better, and this time, she meant it.

Intimacy vs. Sex

Hot sex can be exciting, but it’s more of a mental high than sexual gratification. The initial intensity doesn’t last and often leads to boredom. The best sex evolves from feeling close and safe.

After healing from her breakup, Betty met Sam at a volunteer event. Once they started talking, they realized they had a lot in common. Betty gave Sam her number, and they met for lunch the following week. They were open about their relationship goals. When they determined they were on the same page, they began dating, took it slow, and focused on building a friendship. They didn’t attempt to resolve their conflicts through sex but by sharing their true thoughts and feelings. Over the next year, their confidence in the relationship led to a lasting commitment.

Relationships have one purpose: to share and receive love. If a relationship is marked by unresolvable conflict, use it to heal your past or move on. A bottle of alcohol will not transform into sparkling water. You must understand that you won’t get drunk again if you don’t take the first sip. Until you decide to be the change you want, the addiction will continue to consume you one moment at a time, robbing you of precious experiences meant to be enjoyed in life.

You are here to share and receive love — not anger, guilt, and resentment followed by delusional reunions. Be willing to face the fear underlying your choice to return to a relationship that does not serve either person. Once you replace those fears with self-love, you can escape the addiction maze into the love you were meant to have.

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