Romantic relationships have become turbulent endeavors. Many who strive to have a loving relationship find themselves in a sea of misery. That’s because there’s no rulebook or much modeling on the components of working relationships. These factors take courage to implement but are not as difficult as some people make them.
# 1 Realistic Expectations– Reality does matter. When a person stays grounded in reality, they make better decisions. Often, people allow themselves to be swept away in physical attraction, status, or security (important but not the priority), and they ignore the warning signs. For example, one woman told me, “I felt bad for Jack when he said his partners were suing him and taking over the business because they felt he was delusional. I didn’t think he was delusional. He was a physician and worked hard. As time went on, things got confusing. I was clear that I didn’t want a romantic relationship with someone who needed to fool around. After convincing me he was ready for a relationship, it became obvious that he wasn’t committed and was seeing other people. For the next year, I found myself on and off with a person who was incapable of honesty — we were both delusional to think our relationship could ever work. I could have saved myself a lot of pain if I’d paid better attention to the word “delusional” and gone slower. I’m not going to beat myself up, I did learn a lot about myself and became more discerning.”
People will tell you who they are early on. It might come through obvious facts (history of domestic assault, financial problems, an existing relationship, problems with kids) or (like the above example) someone else’s interpretation of them. If someone isn’t honest with themselves and the other person, they cannot claim love because they are in an illusion. Love does not deceive or lie.
Staying in reality means you will listen to what someone is telling you. And they will tell you everything you need to know early on. Believe them.
#2 Effective Communication Skills – There are three components of effective communication skills. Having the courage to speak your truth lovingly. Having the courage to fully listen to the other person’s truth. Having the ability to work out a solution to the problem.
Addictive relationships go round and round without resolution. There are accusations, fighting, and then making up without any growth or a better understanding of the core issues. The focus is always on the other person’s wrongdoings instead of personal transformation. These unions run on fear instead of love.
Good communicators state their feelings without attack. They listen to the other person’s thoughts and feelings. Then, as a couple, they come up with solutions to their conflicts instead of living in them. This is how they build safety and trust in one another and the relationship. Together, they journey to greater depths of intimacy and build confidence instead of corrosion in their union.
#3 Friends First– While it’s exciting to meet someone new and fall in love, a solid foundation is better built on friendship than attraction. We’ve become an insta-love society. Instant meetups, instant sex, instant endings. Before our tech world, things moved much slower. Slow is not a bad thing.
When you are friends first, you have a better insight into the quality of a person and their character. You also lay out a foundation that you can always fall back on during rocky times. Of the many couples with whom I’ve worked, the successful candidates always say, “I feel like my partner is my best friend.” This solid connection is what carries the relationship through turbulence instead of putting their problems in a Mixmaster of craziness.
Addictive love might feel like love, but it has nothing to do with real love. Passion, sex, and intensity are not love. And being in pain is anything but love. Stability, safety, trust, and sanity are the components of true love. No relationship is perfect, but a healthy relationship improves over time. Addictive relationships thrive on chaos and only worsen with time. They never become healthy. The best-case scenario is that one of the partners gets healthy enough to outgrow the dysfunction and find peace elsewhere. True love does not inflict pain and suffering. It is an ever-growing bridge built on planks of trust as the couple proceeds along a path of the unknown. But what they do know is that they can count on one another to be honest, loving, and true. Not perfect. Just more committed to the relationship than to hidden agendas or destructive actions. They put love first.
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Donna Marks is an educator, licensed psychotherapist, and addictions counselor in Palm Beach, Florida. She has worked with over 6,000 clients. Donna’s struggle with addiction brought her to a worldwide search for healing. She became licensed as a Mental Health Counselor in 1987. In 1989, she earned a Doctorate Degree in Adult Education, then became Certified in Addictions, Gestalt Therapy, Psychoanalysis, Hypnosis, and Sex Therapy. Donna developed an award-winning addiction training program at Palm Beach Community College. She co-owns an outpatient treatment program and serves as a consultant to treatment centers. For 36 years, she has taught A Course in Miracles.
Donna is the author of three books: the multi-award-winning title Exit the Maze: One Addiction, One Cause, One Cure, and Learn, Grow, Forgive: A Path to Spiritual Success, The Healing Moment: Seven Paths to Turn Messes into Miracles of Love, and her latest fiction, Fortis & Sapiente – A Tale of Two Lovers Who Successfully Navigate the Murky Waters of Love. Donna is a public speaker and has shared her methods with millions of listeners on podcasts and radio shows.
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