Last week we discussed resistance and how it consciously and unconsciously blocks us from obtaining our goals. It’s normal to feel resistant to change, and if we’re not aware of its control over us, we’ll remain blocked. Now we’ll address three ways that you can move beyond those walls and achieve success.
#1 Reframing
It’s our thoughts, not our actions, which keep us stuck. Whenever someone is resisting change, they’re at the mercy of negative thoughts. Those thoughts are always fear-based and override the desire to achieve success. For example, if you want to have a productive conversation with someone with whom you have conflict, your mind might tell you, “That won’t work, they’ll get upset and be mad at you,” or if you want to ask someone to follow through with something they agreed to, you’ll hear your mind say, “Don’t do that, you might lose the relationship altogether,” or if you want a favor, “Don’t bother, no one ever comes through and if they do, it’s never right.” We tend to avoid (perceived) conflict at all costs — especially our self-esteem.
These kinds of negative thoughts increase the walls instead of removing them. Reframing means you take the negative thought and reword it positively. For example, concerning a conflict, “Maybe it won’t work, and the person might get mad at me, but if I address the conflict with strength and love, at least I tried and who knows what will happen,” or “If someone ends a relationship simply because I ask them to keep their word, then I’m not losing much. I’ll also keep the faith that most people do keep their agreements, sometimes I just need to remind them. We’re all human and forget at times.” As for asking a favor and the fear of disappointment a reframe could be “Some people have let me down, but not everyone. Maybe I need to communicate my wants and needs more clearly. Next time, I’ll ask for clarification so that I know we’re on the same page.”
The situation doesn’t matter. Reframing replaces all negative thoughts with positive ones. Positive thoughts reduce the fear and make change more likely by melting away resistance.
#2 Be Willing to Be Uncomfortable
Somehow, many of us got the notion that we’re supposed to feel comfortable all the time. When someone operates this way, they do it at their own risk. Life works best when we challenge ourselves and that’s never entirely comfortable. We can’t possibly change for the better or improve a particular skill if we’re not willing to be either physically, emotionally, or psychologically uncomfortable.
When you find yourself avoiding a behavioral change because it feels uncomfortable, do it anyway. Tell yourself that the discomfort you feel is growth and that you like it. The more you push through, the more your successes will instill confidence and self-esteem.
#3 Give It a Chance
Just because you don’t get immediate results doesn’t mean you’ve failed. If you decide to lose ten pounds, it doesn’t happen overnight. Results are small and incremental, and you must stick to the plan to see results.
Being patient and positive requires self-discipline. When you refuse to cave in just because you don’t see immediate glaring evidence, it doesn’t mean failure. We can’t see a seed germinating underneath the soil, but it is happening. The same is true of our own personal growth. When you trust that the tools you are using are working, then you can also be assured that your efforts are worthwhile. After a fair amount of time, if the desired outcome isn’t happening, you can be assured it’s because there’s something better. Instead of trying to push through a dead end, try a different route. But don’t give up. Stick to your goal knowing that you are making headway even if progress is slow.
Most people don’t realize that by allowing resistance to control them, they are remaining victims. No one needs to be a victim. Even with reframing, a willingness to be uncomfortable, and perseverance, it still takes courage to change. No one will ever change you more than you decide to do for yourself. The greatest rewards come from knowing you’re worth it, taking the risks, and then enjoying the sweet rewards of success.
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Donna Marks is an educator, licensed psychotherapist, and addictions counselor in Palm Beach, Florida. She has worked with over 6,000 clients. Donna’s struggle with addiction brought her to a worldwide search for healing. She became licensed as a Mental Health Counselor in 1987. In 1989, she earned a Doctorate Degree in Adult Education, then became Certified in Addictions, Gestalt Therapy, Psychoanalysis, Hypnosis, and Sex Therapy. Donna developed an award-winning addiction training program at Palm Beach Community College. She co-owns an outpatient treatment program and serves as a consultant to treatment centers. For 36 years, she has taught A Course in Miracles.
Donna is the author of three books: the multi-award-winning title Exit the Maze: One Addiction, One Cause, One Cure, and Learn, Grow, Forgive: A Path to Spiritual Success, The Healing Moment: Seven Paths to Turn Messes into Miracles of Love, and her latest fiction, Fortis & Sapiente – A Tale of Two Lovers Who Successfully Navigate the Murky Waters of Love. Donna is a public speaker and has shared her methods with millions of listeners on podcasts and radio shows.
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