Four Key Elements Of Relationship Safety & Trust

Safety and trust are rarely spoken about, but they are the foundation and cornerstones of any relationship. People must be able to trust one another for the relationship to survive.

Some people need more reassurance than others. If they’ve been betrayed by others, they might feel skittish now, even if there isn’t just cause. If they’ve been betrayed in a current relationship, it will take time to rebuild trust. In either case, a nurturing space to work through challenging situations is the key to building lasting bonds.

Without safety and trust, an authentic connection is not possible. When someone doesn’t feel safe, hidden walls form as a means of self-protection. Some people act out when they’ve been hurt.

Maybe they’ll drink excessively or form a romantic relationship with someone else. Some try to force a conversation to resolve the conflict when it’s unresolvable. Some people start yelling and strike out. Others act in and shut down, refusing to speak.

Most people have only a few people they hold close to their heart during a lifetime. That space must feel safe and secure – physically and emotionally. If that safe space is violated too many times, it’s impossible to form a secure and lasting bond.

#1 Safe Communication
A safe place to be vulnerable and process conflicts.
Safe communication is calm, honest, and nurturing. Safe partners don’t make accusations and recognize that asking and answering questions is reassuring and builds trust. The person asking is being vulnerable. The person answering is welcoming and reassuring. Their energy goes into building care instead of conflict.

When scared or hurt, it’s hard to follow a reasonable and logical path, but safety must be installed by all parties. Most people are less likely to be forthright if they feel attacked. Carefrontation instead of confrontation is always best. The former is a supportive and compassionate approach to someone else’s mistakes in the quest for truth. The latter can be perceived as an attack that will elicit a shield of defense instead of a space to open up and heal.

Avoiding the temptation to strike out and waiting until a civil tone prevails, creates a better place to address betrayals. Immediate knee-jerk reactions might feel better in the moment but won’t resolve matters in the long term. Picking a mutually agreed upon time and speaking from one’s heart, will produce the best results.

Alice and Tom practiced safe communication. Instead of having emotionally charged arguments, they picked a time and place to talk. They had a few bullet points written down and took turns sharing. They talked about their feelings (triggered by the other) instead of attacking the other’s mistakes. They were focused on coming together instead of being right. They also focused on facts above feelings and owned their respective parts in the problem. They were comfortable with some uncertainty knowing that over time, the bridge of trust would incrementally be laid out with every successful conversation. They focused as much on understanding as being understood.

# 2 – Honesty
Being true to yourself and others.
Honesty has many levels — telling the truth, being your word (doing what you say you’ll do), and not lying by omission.

During her childhood, Lisa developed a habit of lying. She didn’t see the point in admitting guilt when she saw her siblings getting punished for being truthful. The more she got away with lying, the worse her habit became. Unfortunately, the same tactic didn’t work so well in her career. Her boss wasn’t blind to her shenanigans and her co-workers resented her deeply. It wasn’t until she was fired that she had to face herself and the rude awakening that “honesty was the best policy.”

Robert’s words didn’t mean anything. If he had an appointment, he’d often blow it off, sometimes not even notifying the other person. If he owed someone money, he’d commit to pay and then let it slide. People learned that Robert’s words didn’t mean much and lost respect for him. Though a very likable fellow, he eventually found his dishonesty burned too many bridges, and he found himself all alone.

For someone to feel safe they must be able to know they are playing by the same rules – words and actions match up.  Without emotional safety the relationship becomes a game of all is fair in love and war. No one can expect unilateral loyalty. Being lied to, deceived, or dismissed might work in the moment, but sooner or later, the game will change, and the person being deceived will put their emotional eggs someplace else where they won’t get cracked.

# 3 – Ownership for one’s actions
Mature adults take responsibility for their actions. If they make a mistake, they own it. It’s uncomfortable to self-examine and admit wrongdoing, but not nearly as uncomfortable as being rejected because you refuse to be accountable.

Stella and Jerry were a couple good at avoiding responsibility for their lives. Stella blamed everyone else for her actions. When she frequently arrived ten minutes late, it was the traffic’s fault. When she put the family in debt from too much spending, it was inflation’s fault. Her partner Jerry felt justified in staying out late even if dinner was prepared. He felt it was acceptable to put all the household chores on Stella even though he’d agreed to help.

Both people were unable to admit and grow from their mistakes. Instead, they continued the same dysfunctional, self-defeating behaviors eroding all sense of trust.

Problems aren’t resolved if both people can’t take responsibility for their actions. Unresolved conflicts risk putting another brick in the wall of intimacy. Sooner or later the wall grows too high to cross.

No one’s perfect, and no one expects perfection. In healthy relationships — romantic, friendship, family, or work — it’s reasonable to want safety and trust. If someone can’t provide these things with enough consistency, they aren’t ready for an authentic relationship.

# 4 – You are the most important person you will ever trust
No one can make you feel safer than yourself. Regardless of someone else’s actions, you can use any experience as an opportunity to grow. If there’s a pattern of attracting dishonest people, it’s time to explore this more fully. If someone repeatedly betrays you, why are you staying engaged with that person? Does it have to do with something from your past? Is there an unfinished or unhealed relationship that needs further grieving? Are you afraid to commit to either resolution or termination and are more comfortable with an impasse?

James attracted dishonest people in his life. His business partner hid their assets, his wife was having an affair, and his kids lied about their grades. He sensed these betrayals but couldn’t fully trust his intuition. It wasn’t until he had an emotional breakdown that he took a deep dive into the origins of his delusional life. James’ parents lied incessantly and though he swore he’d never be like them, he was living the same lie he’d witnessed in childhood. Once he faced and recaptured his unresolved pain about his parent’s dysfunctional relationship, he was able to break out of the delusions he was living and set the tone for more honest relationships.

No one can give you something you don’t have – inner trust. Unless you know that you will be okay no matter what, you won’t ever feel safe. You can learn to trust your intuition, and your ability to address uncomfortable situations without attack. You also know that you can let go of unhealthy attachments and heal. When you place your faith more in yourself than someone else’s defects, you’ll be guided by the wings of love instead of the demon of fear. No one can create more safety than you can provide for yourself.

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