Three Differences Between Abstinence and Sobriety

Lots of people get sober or stop other bad habits, but very few maintain lifetime sobriety. Being sober isn’t just about abstaining from something. It’s about transforming from an individual who seeks to get high to someone who gives. It’s someone who has decided to love themselves more than they love getting a quick fix. These people are the ones who are “happy, joyous, and free,” while other people are “white knuckling” their recovery and are miserable.

Simply stopping an addiction is a recipe for misery. When your brain is trained to get a fix, you can’t just deprive it and expect to feel good for long. You must learn how to think and act differently and replace that self-seeking behavior with actions that surpass the superficial high. That requires learning how to take care of yourself in ways that produce lasting self-esteem. That is the difference between abstinence and sobriety.

# 1 – WILLINGNESS TO GO TO ANY LENGTHS – It’s not easy to give up a life-long behavior that has produced a (albeit temporary) good feeling. But eventually, there are consequences of bad habits such as poor health, anxiety, depression, financial loss, insomnia, and negative effects on relationships—to name a few. When the minuses start to overcome the plusses, people will try to change their behavior. Some people succeed but most will go back to their old friend—alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, food, porn, spending—or any other quick fix they’ve relied upon. You can’t expect to give up something and be happy unless you modify your behavior. Otherwise, you’ll be thinking about the loss and not enjoying the benefits. 

Willingness to go to any lengths means that you put yourself into a mental state of compliance instead of self-will. Instead of thinking you know how to succeed, you recognize that you haven’t succeeded, and you become willing to follow the steps of others who have progressed beyond their limitations. These individuals aren’t just free from the bondage of their bad habits, they are also joyous.

People who are successful at behavior change have put their lives in the hands of people who have demonstrated that their methods work. They have humbled themselves and joined support groups such as Smart Recovery, 12-step meetings, or other recovery methods that work. They don’t fight the process, they succumb. They don’t care whether they like the process or not, they care about the results. Then they not only stop the unwanted behavior, but they also find friendship and serenity that comes from a new way of life. Most importantly, instead of finding fault with the world and the people in it, they convert that energy into working on themselves.

#2 – THE GOAL OF PEACE INSTEAD OF PRIDE – Have you ever seen someone who quit drinking or smoking and told everyone? They were elated that they’d finally “kicked the habit.” But once that newness wears off, what’s sustaining them? It’s okay to feel good about stopping a bad habit, but you must understand that the habit is stronger than self-congratulatory feelings. Being proud of stopping self-harm behavior is important, but it’s not enough. Don’t forget that the reason it was so hard to quit was because that addiction convinced you that it was your go-to, your best friend, and something you could always rely on. But for all it gave, it took your health, your love, and most of all your peace of mind.

Peace of mind comes from aligning ourselves with love. And if we don’t recognize the difference between real love and false love, we’re lost. You might think you love your cocktail, your pills, your candy, or your cigarettes, but what you actually love is the way those things make you feel. When you learn how to feel good all the time, you’ll no longer be willing to settle for a momentary high that’s harming you every step of the way. You will have replaced all the substitutes with authentic love.

Peace also results from aligning ourselves with the flow of life. If you are swimming upstream against the current or holding on to a branch or a rock and resisting going with the flow, you will suffer. The water will beat against you and tire you out. When you let go and flow with the river, you might feel scared at first, but then when you relax and float along, life will feel magical and easy.

People who are sober rather than just abstinent have been taught how to go with the flow of life. It’s where they find their spirituality in whatever form they believe. Then they stop fighting the flow of life and go with it. That energy not only takes them upward and onward, but it also takes them along the path they were meant to be.

#3 – PAYING IT FORWARD – There’s a universal truth that the more we give the more we receive. We can simply look at nature and see that this is true. Every tree drops all its fruit so that the seeds can continue to reproduce. The tides are always flowing inward and outward. Nothing is stagnant. Yet, many people tend to firmly entrench themselves and hold on to the familiar.

Genuinely sober people, keep giving away what they have. They are generous of money, time, and spirit. The more they give, the more they receive. By sharing their success, they never forget how they got sober and remain sober. By sharing their love, they are always loved. By sharing their seeds of prosperity, their wealth is ever-expanding. By sharing their time, they are always emotionally nourished.

If you’re serious about your relationship with yourself—your health and your emotional and spiritual well-being, you won’t just settle for abstinence. You’ll want to be of sober mind, body, and spirit. No more mental trickery, self-will, or unwillingness to follow a path that works. You’ll be willing to do the work, put aside self-will and pride, and share what you’ve learned with others. 

It’s not enough to give up something that you’ve depended on for a long time. Instead, you must understand that every bad habit is a substitute for love and only acts of love can give you true sobriety. So, if you want to have the fruits of sobriety—freedom and happiness—then you must be willing to let go and make peace and generosity of your heart your number one goal. Then you won’t suffer from abstinence. Instead, you will have found the secret to a successful life free from the behavior that previously owned you and then replaced it with genuine love.

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