Some people have terrific moms. They are filled with warm memories of structure, comfort, safety, and milk and cookies after school. That was neither my experience as a child nor as a mom. While I parented a little better with each child, it took years of learning to understand the mechanics of raising a mentally healthy child.
No parent is perfect. And whether your mom made a few mistakes or many, there are ways to find peace. I’m not suggesting that we overlook the harm or pain that might have occurred through negligence or even abuse. It’s important to face and grieve unhappy childhoods lest they be buried alive and haunt us. But once those wounds have been addressed and allowed to heal, it’s time to make peace.
Find out about her childhood
If someone never learned to ride a bike, you wouldn’t blame them if they kept falling. Some parents have never been taught how to be effective, loving parents. They’ve never heard of bonding and healthy stages of childhood development. Several generations ago, the information wasn’t available. Not to mention that many moms over the past fifty years or so have been working and parenting – sometimes single. Try driving or running a job or a household with one arm tied behind your back and you’ll understand what it’s like to be the breadwinner and a single parent.
These are the kinds of topics you can address with your mom. (If she’s not here, try to access the information from other sources.) What was her childhood like? Did she feel loved? Did anything happen that was overly painful? How was she disciplined? Did her parents fight a lot? Gaining insight into your mom’s history can help you to realize her parenting mistakes weren’t intentional. She either reenacted what she was taught, or she was too wounded to do any better. Seeing your mom as a small child, helpless and scared, with all those memories buried deep inside, can help you to replace anger with compassion for her.
Be willing to forgive
There’s too much written about healing trauma and not enough about forgiveness. Even children who lived unimaginably painful childhoods can heal. Most have lived on a continuum somewhere between ideal and traumatic. When kids are abandoned, or abused, they struggle with the demon of unworthiness all their life. It’s unnatural for a child to feel unloved or unimportant to their mother. However, it’s not impossible to recover from whatever happened and to be able to forgive.
Whether your mom is alive or deceased, forgiveness can help you make peace with her. Forgiveness is a process. You can’t instantly switch from deep hurt and resentment to forgiveness. But you can be willing to forgive over time. First, you must allow yourself to face what happened. Next, grieve the childhood that you didn’t have. Therapy or support groups can provide the tools to help you purge your anger and sorrow. Give yourself credit for having the courage to face that part of you that’s been a hidden wound. Then that sore spot can be replaced with healing and hope.
Forgiveness sets you free from dragging around the past. Otherwise, you remain stuck not realizing the connection between then and now. It’s like walking around with a splinter in your foot. You might have learned how to ignore or self-medicate the discomfort, but it won’t go away. Until you locate the splinter and remove it, you can’t get the sigh of relief that comes from removing it and letting the irritation heal.
Grateful for the gift of life
Everyone’s mom gave them the gift of life. She carried you during pregnancy and gave birth to you. And even though you might wish you’d never been born, you’re here for a reason. Your mom doesn’t need to see your value. You do.
No matter what did or didn’t happen, you can use those experiences to have a more meaningful life. People who had difficult childhoods have a sensitivity to other people’s pain. Some have channeled their pain into art, music, writing, or other ways of turning a hellish mindset into a heavenly consciousness. It’s never too late to give meaning and create something positive from whatever you’ve gone through.
This Mother’s Day, whether in person or thought, try saying “Mom, thank you for the gift of life.” You might be surprised to discover a maternal presence that can give you all the love you’d ever need. There is a recipe for whatever type of mom you wish you had – be the best mom to yourself right now. Give yourself the structure, comfort, and safety that you ever needed. And by all means – cookies and milk after an especially challenging day.
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Donna Marks is an educator, licensed psychotherapist, and addictions counselor in Palm Beach, Florida. She has worked with over 6,000 clients. Donna’s struggle with addiction brought her to a worldwide search for healing. She became licensed as a Mental Health Counselor in 1987. In 1989, she earned a Doctorate Degree in Adult Education, then became Certified in Addictions, Gestalt Therapy, Psychoanalysis, Hypnosis, and Sex Therapy. Donna developed an award-winning addiction training program at Palm Beach Community College. She co-owns an outpatient treatment program and serves as a consultant to treatment centers. For 36 years, she has taught A Course in Miracles.
Donna is the author of three books: the multi-award-winning title Exit the Maze: One Addiction, One Cause, One Cure, and Learn, Grow, Forgive: A Path to Spiritual Success, The Healing Moment: Seven Paths to Turn Messes into Miracles of Love, and her latest fiction, Fortis & Sapiente – A Tale of Two Lovers Who Successfully Navigate the Murky Waters of Love. Donna is a public speaker and has shared her methods with millions of listeners on podcasts and radio shows.
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