Love addiction is at an all-time high. And getting high is what people are getting instead of solid, lasting intimacy. It’s no one’s fault. We’ve become an instant-everything world, and dating is no different. Just download an app and hook up quickly. Maybe coffee or lunch, but after that, it’s “yes,” or “no.” No need to get to know someone before you decide you’re compatible – or even comfortable with the person you just slept with.
My patients get mad at me when I suggest they throw away their apps and try meeting someone organically. They don’t have time for such nonsense. “Where am I supposed to meet someone? I don’t have time.” They reply. “What about joining an organization and getting involved or finding a cause and doing some volunteer work? How about a hobby like golf or tennis?” I respond. Very few will follow the suggestion. It’s just too corny for today’s quick-fix world.
For those of you who have tried the modern mating methods and they haven’t worked, there might be a better way.
Organic vs. Instant – You might think you’re saving time surfing dating apps, but if you add up the hours you spend on click-bait, meeting different people, and the many failed attempts, you might realize you’ve already wasted a lot of time getting nowhere.
When it comes to turning on your television or microwave, immediate gratification has its benefits. But when it comes to meeting the right person, not so much. Fireworks are exciting, but they quickly fizzle, and sometimes you get burnt.
Meeting someone organically, like at work, through a friend, or at a common social interest, has many advantages. Since no one is interviewing, you can observe someone in a more natural state versus trying to impress one another, or not. You’re also not emitting desperation vibes – far more appealing to an emotionally healthy person. And if you want a lasting relationship, healthy is key.
A Three-Date Interview vs. A Three-Minute Interview – There’s no harm in getting to know someone before you sleep with them. Old-fashioned or not, you can save yourself a great deal of heartache. Getting ghosted after sex doesn’t ever feel good. Finding out you’re with a stalker is highly stressful. Discovering you’re the third in a relationship is not a compliment. Investing your life with someone who goes back to their ex is totally depressing. Better to discover the issues early on than to feel like roadkill later on.
Time is on your side. If someone isn’t interested in investing some time with you early on, they might never want to. Also, if you listen, you’ll learn plenty about your potential partner. People will tell you about their conflicts and problems. If someone is newly broken up, they are having financial difficulties, drinks too much, or doesn’t have much time for a relationship – all will be revealed in the first three encounters. These might not be deal breakers, but they’re certainly caution flags and should be heeded.
Physical Attraction vs. Mental Attraction – Most people are drawn together by physical attraction. Liking someone’s looks is important. But in the best relationships, a person’s physical appeal grows with time. You might not be struck by their looks, but you sense a characteristic of goodness or some other intrinsic appeal that draws you closer. As you get to know the person, you become attracted to their internal qualities, and their good looks emerge from there.
Addictive relationships are pulled together by excitement and drama. These people never truly know one another’s core. Healthy relationships evoke a sense of ease. Even when things are choppy, there’s an underlying sense of confidence in the relationship – even in the beginning.
Healthy relationships operate on emotional and intellectual intelligence. Everyone screws up occasionally, but do they have the capacity to admit it and make corrections? Addictive couples are compelled to be together through intrigue and control. They focus on the defects in their partner instead of their own. They stay on the roller coaster until it crashes, then they manage to piece it together and get on the ride again.
These are but a few differences between addictive and healthy relationships. If you’ve found yourself in the former, don’t blame yourself. Every failure is a learning experience. Most people make progressively better choices. As they say in the 12-Step programs: Progress, not perfection.
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Donna Marks is an educator, licensed psychotherapist, and addictions counselor in Palm Beach, Florida. She has worked with over 6,000 clients. Donna’s struggle with addiction brought her to a worldwide search for healing. She became licensed as a Mental Health Counselor in 1987. In 1989, she earned a Doctorate Degree in Adult Education, then became Certified in Addictions, Gestalt Therapy, Psychoanalysis, Hypnosis, and Sex Therapy. Donna developed an award-winning addiction training program at Palm Beach Community College. She co-owns an outpatient treatment program and serves as a consultant to treatment centers. For 36 years, she has taught A Course in Miracles.
Donna is the author of three books: the multi-award-winning title Exit the Maze: One Addiction, One Cause, One Cure, and Learn, Grow, Forgive: A Path to Spiritual Success, The Healing Moment: Seven Paths to Turn Messes into Miracles of Love, and her latest fiction, Fortis & Sapiente – A Tale of Two Lovers Who Successfully Navigate the Murky Waters of Love. Donna is a public speaker and has shared her methods with millions of listeners on podcasts and radio shows.
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