I once knocked a small figurine off my desk. It had some sentimental value, so I was upset when it shattered into hundreds of pieces. It had been broken and fixed a couple of times before, but this time, the damage was beyond repair. So as much as it meant to me, I had to face the fact it couldn’t be fixed.
The figurine became a metaphor for some of my past relationships; some became too broken to be fixed. No matter how many attempts to repair, they kept getting knocked over.
A Course of Miracles teaches that relationships will naturally end when the maximum amount of learning has occurred. It took a while to understand the meaning of this concept. Growth in this context means removing all the internal barriers to love. It means letting go of anger and guilt and facing the underlying fear. It’s fear that causes people to treat a relationship recklessly and cause it to break.
When relationships are crumbling, love can be confusing. Trying harder versus letting go is the ultimate challenge. There’s only so much each person can do to keep a relationship alive. If one person is committed to love and the other person is committed to fear, the relationship can never stabilize.
No relationship is perfect, and there’s growth in finding one’s voice and speaking the truth. And since “I am not a victim of the world I see,” your voice, when spoken with love, is the courage to be vulnerable. Transparency means you are able to express what’s troubling you and listen to the other person so that you can truly know one another. In a loving relationship, honesty is the fiber of trust, and forgiveness is the glue that cements the fractures.
But when someone is committed to destroying every block that is built, it’s not loving to keep picking them up. You aren’t here to waste your life on reassembling someone else’s destruction. Sometimes, it’s best to gather the pieces of your heart and walk away.
It takes two people committed to growth for their relationship to blossom and grow. I once heard a beautiful offering, “I love you, I bless you, I set you free.”
When someone is more committed to destroying a relationship than constructive problem solving, that person must be set free. You can wish the other person well and move forward. Better to go through the pain of loss than to keep getting knocked down.
Eventually, the heart will mend, and as time passes, the alignment of wills to let love replace all else may return. Then, when both people have time to reflect on their actions and what they could do better, their intentions are better aligned. At that point, it is possible to restore a loving connection in whatever form it takes — family, friend, or lover. It doesn’t matter the form; so long as there’s an opening, love will find itself.
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Donna Marks is an educator, licensed psychotherapist, and addictions counselor in Palm Beach, Florida. She has worked with over 6,000 clients. Donna’s struggle with addiction brought her to a worldwide search for healing. She became licensed as a Mental Health Counselor in 1987. In 1989, she earned a Doctorate Degree in Adult Education, then became Certified in Addictions, Gestalt Therapy, Psychoanalysis, Hypnosis, and Sex Therapy. Donna developed an award-winning addiction training program at Palm Beach Community College. She co-owns an outpatient treatment program and serves as a consultant to treatment centers. For 36 years, she has taught A Course in Miracles.
Donna is the author of three books: the multi-award-winning title Exit the Maze: One Addiction, One Cause, One Cure, and Learn, Grow, Forgive: A Path to Spiritual Success, The Healing Moment: Seven Paths to Turn Messes into Miracles of Love, and her latest fiction, Fortis & Sapiente – A Tale of Two Lovers Who Successfully Navigate the Murky Waters of Love. Donna is a public speaker and has shared her methods with millions of listeners on podcasts and radio shows.
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